The Shack

I ordered this book about a month ago and I know it was one God laid on my heart to read. I got it in the mail today and after getting home from work and spending time with Abe and Jenny, I decided to start reading it.

It is now 3 in the morning and my time inside its pages has awakened something deep inside of me. The story is heartbreaking and at times, it is almost more than I can bear. BUT...I haven't gotten to the best part of the book yet....when my character meets God.

I start looking at my own life in light of this novel and I believe God is faithfully drawing my own issues with Him to the surface. I admit I am afraid to go into these waters. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes I get scared, sometimes I'm anxious but behind all of those feelings, I know God is wanting to birth something bigger in me. It feels almost like a surprise.

And now, looking back on the past 2 years here in Minnesota, I see just how passionately God has been seeking my heart...all of my heart. I know that He did not will it to happen all as it has....we live in an evil world, but my God is loving...He IS LOVE. He's already won the battle.

So I say to God, "Bring it on! I'm ready to step out of this boat, confidently walking across the waves, through the wind to You!"

Baptized twice?

Yes, it's true. I was baptized as a kid. But the funny thing is I wish I had grown up a bit more before I chose to do it. I think everyone else was "doing it" so I thought it was a good idea too.

Now, at 27, I have a great desire to be baptized again and this time through my church body here in Minnesota. And the great thing....I get to stand beside my dear friend and sister, Jenny, and take the plunge to "get married to God" together. Plus, we're gonna be in an actual LAKE!!!!!

I am humbled!

In the Clouds

"3,000 feet. I can do this, this isn't too bad." and then I realized we had 7,000 more feet to go. My heart burst into my face, and a panic began to set in.

"Why am I doing this? This is ridiculous. Am I sure this was on the list?" As I looked out the window it hit me.

I saw the clouds. They were vast, they just went on forever. There was no end, and no beginning. A passage that has been on my heart all week began to resonate within my mind, "They have already heard that you, O Lord are with these people and that you, O Lord, have been seen face to face, that your cloud stays over them, and that you go before them in a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night." Numbers 14:14 (N.I.V.)

I saw God in the clouds that day. He reveled his bigness to me in a way I would have never imagined. I imagined myself falling through the clouds, and how even then they are so much bigger than me. I felt so small. How could I not trust? When you come into the contact of Gods amazing love you feel a peace that does go beyond all understanding. When I let go of the fear, and embraced the obvious, I learned how to fly.

"My chains are gone, I've been set free, my God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy rains, unending love, amazing grace."

How great the Father's love for us!

So something happened this last Sunday....I finally let God love me!

What I have not been able to figure out was why my heart has been hurting so much. There are many perfectly good reasons why I might be hurting now but there were moments I thought I might go insane because I had no rest from the pain. It was never meant to be that way.

All the while, I know God was gently asking me if He could just hold me and because my picture of Him became so skewed over the past 2 years, I pushed His loving arms away.

I had no idea just how relentlessly God was pursuing me until halfway into the worship service, I felt the overwhelming urge to go and kneel with my face to the ground. As I knelt, my ears lit on fire and I wept. I always know when the Holy Spirit falls on me because my ears feel like they are on fire. I cried and cried as I finally let everything on this earth go and ran into God's arms and asked Him to hold me and never let me go. He just kept telling me how much He loved me and I finally believed Him.

It's taken me so long to get to this place but I feel peace in my spirit once more. I now trust God with all that I am and all that I will be some day, and I walk in His
love everyday. He has overwhelmed me with His love and I am completely His. Nothing else matters....in the light of His love....really...nothing matters.

Love,
Lori

My dear friend, whom I love.

I wont let you smother it.

I realize that I am the somewhat silent partner in this blog. And many times when I do write words I write words that are not my own. To be honest I never really know what to write on these things. I feel uncomfortable with how much I should or should not disclose with others. I am a relational kind of person. If I am exposing a piece of my heart I would at least like to see the expression on your face, you know? But this blog was created for another purpose. It was to seek the face of God, and sometimes it takes stepping out of our comfort zone to be vulnerable to others. I assume if you are reading this you care on some level how I feel. These are my thoughts, as they come...

I guess on the forefront is the divorce I am currently swimming through. It has been over a year now. Dane and I first split up because he decided to jump the fence into the arms of many other women. As the story unravels I tried desperately to give grace, and forgiveness. So I waited. He said he needed to figure himself out. He promised that he would remain faithful in this time. I recently found out he has not. It broke my heart. I am not playing the victim in this situation. I know that I may have held on longer than I should have, but to be honest I would do it pretty much the same if I had it to do over again.

While we are now just pretty much counting down the days that are left before the papers are officially signed I reflect on our relationship. I have many regrets with the way I handled things. I did things I never thought I would do. At times I was literally the worst version of myself. I hurt many people that I hope one day I can personally ask for their forgiveness. I could no longer life that life. I decided to be the wife I promised Dane I would be even among the messiness. The wife I was when we first got married. I was faithful. I did not hold back myself or my heart. I prayed for him. I loved on him, and I affirmed his worth in the best way I knew how to. In the end I have learned so much about the love of God. About the character of God. He looks at me and says I love you, you wrong me and I continue to love you. You turn from me, but I still remain here for you. No one could ever possibly love you more than I do. I continue to shower you with all of my love now and forever.

Dane and I disagree with many things in our relationship, But the one thing I will not let him smother are the few pure things that existed in our relationship, and that is the way that I loved him. I know that I didn't always love him that way, but I know that if I never marry again I have comfort in knowing that at one time I did love another person that way, and that even though he chose to walk away from me I know in my heart of hearts I gave him everything that I had. I gave him my heart, and in doing so I have realized there is no other way to love people weather it be platonic or a significant other. We are called to love people completely. I guess this is my first step in loving you. To let you see my heart as it is. As it bleeds.

And now...a word from Lori

My heart dictates the drive home tonight...the long way.

Summit to John Ireland Blvd.

John Ireland Blvd. to Kellog

Kellog to Marion

Marion to Thomas

Thomas to Galtier

My drive along Summit after work is something I look forward to the most. It is quiet and my heart seeks rest.

My sweet truck gives me wings to fly and I blare Irish Penny Whistle tunes as I drive. And just as Saul's demons were kept at bay while David played the flute, mine are as well with the Penny Whistle. Or maybe it's that this Irish instrument is so much a part of my heritage? A part of my future? It will be arriving soon in the mail at least.

The church bells are ringing right now...12 o'clock midnight....my favorite. I feel like this time of night is when my heart is as it really should be. So quiet within me. So contemplative. So in tune with my Father.

"Don't cry Birdie", Joann says.

"Or if you must cry, cry happy tears. Only happy tears", she adds.


"Yeah, you are tan, Birdie, but you seemed so much happier this winter", Mel says.


I am so stuck between desiring to throw everything to the wind and appearing happy and carefree, and then wanting to face my demons, my fears, my wounds.

Yeah, I do look and act differently now but this is the real me with my real feelings and emotions. No medicine to cover them up. But I know the real me makes my friends and family uncomfortable.

"Please don't be sad."

Well, I am sad. Please don't tell me not to be. Please don't tell me to find someone else so that I can forget. It's not that my sadness is who I am. It is just this valley that I am walking through right now. I have come face to face with my sin and actions in the past. I have repented but I grieve. Have I lost it all for good?

The wind is blowing outside. Come blow in my heart, Holy Spirit. Refining fire be stoked and burn so hot and so bright that I melt like wax so that only You remain.

This is me. This is Lori. So random...aching...broken...but poured out like a fragrant offering to my God.

He alone is my salvation and my hope!