Strong enough to break.

I think it is a tendency as humans to shut down when your heart is heavy. In those moments you try to be the face of strength and all knowing. You have confidence in what you are doing, and the strength to pull yourself through it. I have witnessed many women with this look of desperation. I can say as a woman it is by far one of the most unattractive faces we wear. It says I am fine. I don't need you, but I would submit to you that we were created to be relational beings. Beings that live in community with one another. Why do we feel we need to be fearless conquers of a world that is so far beyond our understanding. In our 3 1/2 pound brains we have more dendrites than there are known stars in the universe. Our own complexity is unfathomable to us, and yet I feel like I need to know, and understand why the world is the way it is. Why people hurt other people. Why people and governments find reasons to spend more money on killing people than feeding them. In my darkest hours I am on my knees sobbing saying, "I do not understand Lord. I do not understand."

In this present valley I treed through I draw close to my father. He is teaching me what it is like to be human. He had tenderly torn away the scabs, and juvenile patch up job I have performed on my heart. My wounds are exposed, and my fears given names. One by one he calls them out to be brought out into the light because it is only in that pure beaming light that I experience freedom from my guilt, and a love beyond belief. I think the fear that always holds me back is the fear of not making it through, not being strong enough to withstand it. But then I realize I am strong enough to surrender to the brokenness because I know that is not where the story ends. I am not the person I one day aspire to be, but I am in the best possible place to one day be that person.

I was once told that in order for their to be a shadow there must be great light, and though we may walk through the valley the shadows that loom are nothing compared to the great light they run from.