I wont let you smother it.

I realize that I am the somewhat silent partner in this blog. And many times when I do write words I write words that are not my own. To be honest I never really know what to write on these things. I feel uncomfortable with how much I should or should not disclose with others. I am a relational kind of person. If I am exposing a piece of my heart I would at least like to see the expression on your face, you know? But this blog was created for another purpose. It was to seek the face of God, and sometimes it takes stepping out of our comfort zone to be vulnerable to others. I assume if you are reading this you care on some level how I feel. These are my thoughts, as they come...

I guess on the forefront is the divorce I am currently swimming through. It has been over a year now. Dane and I first split up because he decided to jump the fence into the arms of many other women. As the story unravels I tried desperately to give grace, and forgiveness. So I waited. He said he needed to figure himself out. He promised that he would remain faithful in this time. I recently found out he has not. It broke my heart. I am not playing the victim in this situation. I know that I may have held on longer than I should have, but to be honest I would do it pretty much the same if I had it to do over again.

While we are now just pretty much counting down the days that are left before the papers are officially signed I reflect on our relationship. I have many regrets with the way I handled things. I did things I never thought I would do. At times I was literally the worst version of myself. I hurt many people that I hope one day I can personally ask for their forgiveness. I could no longer life that life. I decided to be the wife I promised Dane I would be even among the messiness. The wife I was when we first got married. I was faithful. I did not hold back myself or my heart. I prayed for him. I loved on him, and I affirmed his worth in the best way I knew how to. In the end I have learned so much about the love of God. About the character of God. He looks at me and says I love you, you wrong me and I continue to love you. You turn from me, but I still remain here for you. No one could ever possibly love you more than I do. I continue to shower you with all of my love now and forever.

Dane and I disagree with many things in our relationship, But the one thing I will not let him smother are the few pure things that existed in our relationship, and that is the way that I loved him. I know that I didn't always love him that way, but I know that if I never marry again I have comfort in knowing that at one time I did love another person that way, and that even though he chose to walk away from me I know in my heart of hearts I gave him everything that I had. I gave him my heart, and in doing so I have realized there is no other way to love people weather it be platonic or a significant other. We are called to love people completely. I guess this is my first step in loving you. To let you see my heart as it is. As it bleeds.